My fellow Americans,
It’s been a few days since my resounding reelection victory, and Michelle reminded me to thank those who helped me receive another four years serving the American people from the Oval Office. The list is quite long, so I will attempt to hit the high points.
First and foremost, I owe a deep debt of gratitude to George W. Bush for providing me with political cover for virtually every situation as well as our fiscal crisis which, according to Bill Clinton “not even he could have fixed in 4 years”. I shall continue to seek places to promote the work of the Bush administration whenever the need arises.
Next, I need to acknowledge two men who proved invaluable to me over the course of the last four years. First, my hat goes off to Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke. His marvelous work with TARP, the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009 (stimulus), as well as Quantitative Easing I, II, and III allowed me to spend as much money as I thought necessary to get our economy roaring back at 2%. Thanks to him, we have managed to rework perceptions about debt and deficits as well as completely rewrite the (Chinese) book on currency manipulation. Secondly, thank you to Chief Justice John Roberts for his full-throated and unexpected support of Obamacare, which allowed me to take a major step toward transforming our society.
Truth be told, I would not be writing to you today as a two-term president without the loyal and generous help of our mainstream media. Two special shout-outs go to the ‘Old Gray Lady’ and CNN’s Candy Crowley. First, the New York Times really pitched in with that wonderfully intuitive Op-Ed headline which they assigned to the Romney piece on the Detroit car industry bankruptcy. Secondly, one cannot forget Ms. Crowley’s masterful work as a debate moderator when she got me out of that messy ’terrorism misunderstanding’ with Governor Romney. I am sure that CNN, MSNBC, ABC, CBS, NBC, and 60 Minutes will devote all their investigative efforts to get to the bottom of that ‘bump in the road’ down in Benghazi now that they have allowed the election to pass without that needless distraction.
I must say a few words about my new Republican friend, Governor Chris Christie. He was so gracious to escort me and the press corps around storm-ravaged New Jersey while allowing me to add my presidential horsepower. The public response to that one trip to the Jersey shore just a week before the election left such a great visual impression for those who think Democrats and Republicans can’t get anything done. I doubt I will ever be able to repay him fully; however, I remain confident he will put to good use the $100,000,000 check I gave his state.
I also want to thank the 65% of Americans who agree with me that not only the top 1% of wage earners pay their fair share, but anyone making more than $250,000 should join in as well. In my second term I will work tirelessly to ensure that more of their earnings are taxed more fairly so that benefits can be redistributed to anyone below the ‘$250,000/millionaire category’ who needs a helping hand. Only in this way can we continue to fine-tune capitalism through Progressive revenue gains in order assure a level playing field for everyone.
Much is made of the power of incumbency when it comes to getting reelected; however, nothing has been more beneficial to me and my party than the tireless efforts of our public high school teachers and college professors. The 18-30 year old demographic that I have so dearly counted on during my two presidential campaigns never strayed from my side. Our education system continues to do yeoman’s work in keeping young minds focused on our nation’s pressing issues: global warming, contraception, religion’s infringement on our society, English as a second language, economic class distinction, et al. The education these young minds continue to receive in our schools has allowed me to connect with them in a unique, non-analytical way that befits our new culture unlike those few students attending our remaining outlier schools who continue to dwell on old world curricula of critical thinking exercises, American and European history, economics, math, sciences, engineering, political theory, and general US civics.
As I enter my second term as President of the United States, I have become refocused and am now ready to work with Republicans on fixing our problems. As I told my friend, Dmitri Medvedev, “This is my last election. After my election I have more flexibility.” No doubt Speaker Boehner and Republican House members look forward to working with me under these new rules.
Scott Ruppert is a ‘basic man’ and writes social/political/business satire and commentary at Perspectives of a BasicMan. www.basicman.wordpress.com